True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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