Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
