i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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