I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
