btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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