True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
