I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
