my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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