I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
