Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
