First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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