Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
