please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
