Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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