I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
