Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
