So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
