Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize