How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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