as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
