woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
