happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i love accidental penises.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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