Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
