I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I stole a fireplace last night.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
