I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
