she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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