It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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