How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
