If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
