I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
