I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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