I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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