After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
