i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
