The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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