sorry about calling you the devil all night.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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