If that was your dad, he is hot
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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