I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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