He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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