She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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