my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
