I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
