hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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