I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
