home. puking in laundry basket.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
