I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
