they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
