Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
