apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
