I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
