I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
