some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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