Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
