Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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