glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
