highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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