I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
